::my sweet valentine::

am not exactly very happy at the moment.
:(

no, i'm not feeling depressed or wat, though i noe lately emo posts are wat i've been typing out.
just been doing some ... self-reflection.
that's all.

it's like, aft being busy and bustling arnd the whole day, there's some pondering to do late at night just before i drift to lalaland. i'll need a couple of mins to settle myself down, to quieten my heart, and then i'll get into the dreamland, whereby i'll be "disturbed" by the nonsensical dreams only i am capable of conjuring up.



i think i'm mad crazy.
somehow, i'll always be hovering between two extremes, extremely elated and slightly glum, insanely raving mad and strangely calm, absurdly angry and reasonably sane and sound.
no, i'm not bipolar or watever.
it's just, i react differently to different ppl in different situations.
i cn give the vibes that i dun give a damn, i cn also suppress my emotions and give u the illusion that it doesn't affect mi when my emotions are actually doing somersaults right inside, but then, i'm also able to fake a smile and go along wif watever suggestions made.
insanely hypocritcal when i said i hate hypocrites, i know.
but then that's wat my environment has shaped mi into.
human beings always adapt to their surroundings anyway.

so, do not be fooled by wat u see.

lately, i've this constant nagging feeling that smthg's missing.
smthg essential, smthg impt,
smthg which is the foundation, the bldg block.

looking forward to happier days; it can't get any worse rite?
been in this dark gloomy shit for far too long, longer than i cn handle.

let mi not turn into the farking hypocrites i so detest.
let the smile on my face be genuine,
let mi be able to grin widely w/out a care for the world again.
let mi be unable to think deep thoughts and find trouble.
"don't trouble trouble until trouble troubles you".

Clarins, a beauty brand familiar to many, decided to go ahead with plans to delist itself from the Paris Stock Exchange in September 2008, where it has been listed since 1984. Clarins had to borrow 800million euros to buy back the 26% of shares held by the public. The reason behind it is because the company feels that it should go back to what was once it’s main focus: long-term projects like fair-trade and sustainable developments, instead of deviating and making the main focus on profits, which is what shareholders want.


i spent 2hrs typing these few sentences. wtf.
the assignment's supposed to be 2500words long.

I miss english and literature lessons whereby everything made sense.

how do i complete it when i dun even understand the main points i gotta do;
internal and external drivers of change, change perspectives, change strategies, change tools.
wth, they sound gibberish to mi.

been thinking hard last night, of who i am, and how it affects mi.

skeptical, judgemental, stereotypical, strong-headed, domineering (in certain ways, nthg major!), gets frustrated when my views are ignored, fights hard to be heard, sucks at hiding wat i'm really feeling (read: i'm sorry! it wasn't intentional that my black face came out!), slow to warm to others, literally speaks w/out thinking.

sounds really negative, i noe. but all these came up last night when i couldn't get to slp.
tossed and turned tossed and turned tossed and turned.
of cuz, they inevitably affects how ppl perceive mi and how i act arnd certain ppl.


i always think, why open urself up to so many ppl and when u turn arnd for just a min, u cn find swords/knives/daggers flying at u left, right, ctr. why paste a false smile just to please ppl who dun really matter? why try so hard to make small talk wif ppl u see not-so-often. yes, pr, i noe. building relations. one more friend better than one more foe. easier to get things done if u noe more ppl. open more doors.
but, stop and think for a sec.
is it really necessary to sound all fake and hypocritical just for that moment of fame/success?
why be a social butterfly and flit among so many social circles just to see the no. of friends u have in FB increase by the tens? at the end of the day, do these ppl even matter? they're just a transition, a passing phase. u do not develop a strong rapport and friendship wif someone ovr a 2mins conversation abt ur name, age, wat u're doing at the moment etc.
i find all these quite senseless actually.
have always found it a chore to make small talk, and when i really do, i really gotta put in lotsa effort for that few mins.


i think i sound all depressed, but i'm not!
right as the rain!~
just finally blogging wat i've been feeling all along.

dun like red bull.
have nvr liked, does not like, will not like.